Why I Fought My Identity
It took me 16 years to publish my first book. If you had talked to me in High School or College and said I would be a writer, I would have laughed. It was not what I saw for my life. Then God intervened, gave me a dream and started prodding at my identity. Initially I didn’t understand what it meant to be a writer, the discipline it took, and how to be constantly improving one’s craft. It was a new world. Through the years as I learned the various aspects of the literary universe, many facets were not appealing; little to no income, constant criticism, total surrender to your work.
Until recently, I was not completely sure what held me from totally committing to writing. It had always been a quandary that eluded me. Why was something I was called to do so difficult to submit myself to? The heart of the problem was my heart. I knew it meant total surrender to God, to His plan and everything that meant. It required relinquishing the plan for my life to Him, living out Matthew 16:24:
24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.”
For myself, this might be the most difficult passage in the Bible to absorb, with the many layers and implications it has for one’s life. In a simple way for my life it meant this; not focusing on my wants but on true needs, stepping into my calling (true identity), and living as Jesus instructs. To embrace my identity, I had to surrender and obey. The last three years I have be on that path. It has been amazing to see how God has stretched me in so many ways.
It took total surrender to find my true identity – Truth Teller. There are many times I think back and ask, what if I had surrendered earlier, where would I be today? At the same time, I am quick to state, there was molding He had to complete. I fought my identity because it was part of my spiritual growth that needed to happen. In his timing I arrived to what he called me, imperfectly perfect.
Every morning I have the pleasure of living in the truth and giving what I can’t control to God – easier said than done. When I accomplish this, his blessings are overwhelming and I am reminded it is what I was called to do. It won’t take another 16 years to publish my next book maybe not even 16 weeks because I have the comfort of His truth. Excited to see what this might bring!
I write this to make my joy complete!
In His truth and grace,Eric